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A Change Was Needed

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I having been thinking about the last 7 months. On Dec 28, 2016, I created my first blog post. I started this blog because I needed a change in my life. A decision was made, that a new way of thinking was needed. I believe somewhere along the way I got lost and I went on a journey to find myself. Being a mother, sometimes you focus so much on everyone else, you forget about your own needs. That was where I was at. I was not enjoying life. I was in zombie mode and I don’t believe I was a very happy momma or wife. I yelled and complained and grumbled. Everything stressed me out, little or big. I now look at the things on the floor that have been left by one of the kids and say “oh well, it is ok”. I still pick it up or ask the one who left it on the floor to pick it up, but I don’t scream and holler and complain and get angry. I believe I am now found. I don’t think I am entirely fixed, but I believe that a transformation has begun. I decided I needed to enjoy life. I don’t intend on allowing those little things in life get me down and cause anger inside me.

Anger can cause your heart to turn black and full of gunk. I don’t like feeling that way. Of course, my world is not perfect, but what is perfect. There is one person in this world that is perfect and his name is Jesus. He is the only one that we can turn to and rely on. If it was not for my Lord, I don’t know where I would be today.

I knew for a long time I was not right. I knew in my heart that I was an angry person, but I didn’t know how much until it was pointed out to me. If it was not pointed out to me I may still be on a path of rampage and destruction. Thank you to that individual who showed me I am not happy. That individual was my husband, and am thankful he never has given up on me. It is important sometimes to do a self-examination. You might be surprised what you see, or you might be ashamed of how you treat others. I am ready to be happy. I am ready to enjoy life. Since January 1st 2017, I feel I transformed my way of thinking. I have made a point to be thankful for things everyday. I have made an effort to treat others as I would like to be treated. I have decided to have more fun and live a  more adventurous life. I only have one life, I intend to make my next 40 years much greater than my first 40 years.

So many people, including myself, go through life not appreciating what life has given us. We don’t have a lot but it really does not matter. What matters is how we feel inside. What matters is how we deal with what life has brought us. It matters how we treat others and how we treat our self. If we don’t love our self, how can anyone else love us back. For the first time in a while, I actually like who I am. I think that is the first step in healing. The second step is to live life to the fullest and don’t let the little things or big things in life cause you to stumble. Everything happens for a reason. We may not know what that reason is, but we have to accept the fact that it’s happening and we are going through it. We have to live, live till the Lord calls us home, and I believe the one true Creator, wants us to live like there is no tomorrow. That is exactly what I plan to do.

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Thanks-Living Jar Update

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Since January I have decided to keep a Thanks-Living Jar in my kitchen. Every day or every other day when I get home, I contemplate on the day and I write something down I am thankful for. I have learned that there is ALWAYS something to be thankful for. At the end of June I took all my thankful papers out because my little Mason Jar was getting way to full. I started to read them all and I am so glad that I have a reason to be thankful for so many different things.

I have continued my thankful contemplations each day. I believe it has made the end of my day a whole lot more peaceful. I have to admit, some days were harder to come up with something to be thankful for, but I am still breathing, my kids are healthy, I have food in my cabinet, shoes on my feet, clothes on my back, and a roof over my head. So even those hard days, when you feel there is nothing to be thankful for, you can always think of something.

I challenge you to make your own Thanks-Living jar. I believe you will reap the benefits of positive thinking.

 

 

My Circle of Strength

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      Not everyone can say they have the best family in the world. Some people are not fortunate enough to have that circle of strength that I call family. There are of course, those people who can brag about how great and supportive their families are, and I am lucky enough to say I am one of those few that can say I truly have the best family around.

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Those who know me personally know my story, the story that also connects me with hundreds of other people. This is not one of those stories that bring happiness, joy and tears of jubilation to your soul, but it is one of the stories that brings sadness, nightmares, and tears of fear. This story is 25 years old. It may have begun as a horror story, that May 1st afternoon, but I am plan to change the ending, and make it an inspirational story, a story that changes lives for the better and breaks the chains of bondage.

     Every 4th of July my family gets together and we have a cook out and sometimes we even throw in a friendly game of baseball. This 4th of July was different from most. It rained off and on all day, and had the feeling of gloom. Sadness and despair hung thick in the air. You see, my nephew had decided to move back to California with his dad, and was just leaving in a couple of days. He is almost 18 and decided that he needed a change in his life. We love that guy and we were all sad and grieving, I guess you could say. The 4th of July is supposed to be a time of celebration and fun and not a one of us felt like celebrating. After eating our BBQ hot dogs, the best homemade macaroni salad and other fixings, we sat around waiting for the night sky to turn dark, so we could robotically shoot off fireworks just like we do every year.

     The closer the time came the more tense the emotions rose, and eventually it was time to shoot off those fireworks that stared at us with such great intensity on the dining room table. My sister had purchased some awesome fireworks and was excited to try out a new one that they have never done before. The older kids were beginning to feel the excitement rise and ran outside to set up. I stood just off the porch watching and gazing off into the distance and not really paying attention to anything particular. I actually was thinking that I needed to go and get our lawn chairs out of the car because it looked like the rain had taken a little break for the day and might actually be cooperative for us.

As I was gazing, the older kids were lighting a firework and was I completely unaware. I should have been paying more attention to my surroundings, but unfortunately I was lost somewhere in the unknown. A loud boom awoke me from my stupor and I flashed back to the classroom where I had been standing 25 years ago. I panicked and I ran in the house. I really don’t remember running up those stairs and opening the door to the house, but some how I made it the living room and sat down to gather my thoughts.

     As I sat there, I tried to breathe, because the air in my lungs was doing it’s best to escape me. The tears just rolled down my face and the frustration and anger entered. After 25 years that loud boom still brings me back to that day where the mad man brandished his sawed off shot-gun and where the booms were so loud that it echoed through the building. The time so long ago when I was introduced to a man named Eric Houston, the man who took control of everyone’s lives that day. That day he took the lives away from four people and captured the lives of hundreds that fateful day. I was frustrated with myself because it caused that fear to attack me once again.

     Here I am sitting in the chair in the living room all alone and my nephew enters the room and sees me. I hear the concern in his voice. All I can say is I am having a panic attack and kept my head down and eyes closed. He brings me a glass of water and gives me a hug. I hold on for dear life for just a while until I am able to open my eyes. When I opened my eyes my son enters the room and so does the whole family. They understood and they were empathetic. They were the best, and I could not have asked for anything different. They all felt horrible, but of course it was not their fault. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is a real thing that people suffer from. Some people are able to deal with traumatic events and are able to handle it better than some.

     PTSD is a condition that can last months or years. It can go away and you think you are just fine but then a sound, smell or an intense emotion can trigger all those traumatic feelings all over again. You can have nightmares, anger, flashbacks, anxiety, depression, or avoidance of anything that is a reminder of the event.

     A month ago I decided to go to therapy again. I think it is time. I am not only going for my PTSD, but just anger issues in general. I am also having trouble finding my place in this world. For 19 years I have been a mother who has devoted her whole life to awesome children. Two of those kids are now adults and the transition has not been easy from being a mother who is needed and being a mother that needs to give them space and find their own place in this world. You see, I am sort of a control freak. Well if you knew me, it would not be much of a surprise. I have trouble giving up control of anything. I told my therapist this and she had given me a little insight about my controlling nature. She said this sometimes happens when someone has lived through a traumatic event. When an individual had their control taken away by another individual, then they want to over compensate. I guess that is why I am a bit controlling. I don’t want to have the feeling that someone has control over me ever again.

     Some day all this will be behind me. I will never forget what happened, but I can look back and say I lived through it and I am alright. I am thankful that I have such an amazing supportive family. I am not sure I could do it if I didn’t. I want to say “thank you” to all of my family for putting up with my crazy and still love me in spite of it. We are definitely a Family – Circle of Strength – Founded on Faith – Joined in Love – Kept by God. We are truly blessed.

Here are a few pictures of my amazing family. I am blessed by each and every one of them.

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my sister

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the family    mom and dad

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me and travis
My husband, and my strength
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I may be a bit crazy, but I have the best family by far.

 

 

 

 

Cherish Those Friendships – Face-to-Face —-rising above the cyber dust—-

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This August, my husband and I will celebrate 21 years of marriage. That’s a rare thing in this day and age. Has it been easy? Of course not. Have we wanted to strangle each other at one point in our marriage? More than once. Has either one of us said “This is not worth it,” but yet we kept on going? Absolutely. Marriage is not easy. Any relationship, whether it is romantic or a mere friendship, takes work and perseverance. It takes running the whole 26.219 miles in the marathon, no matter how much your legs feel like jelly and your lungs desire that much-needed oxygen. It takes riding a bucking bull for the whole 8 seconds, no matter how much you get jerked around, you got to keep holding on. It takes fighting the whole 12 rounds in a boxing match, even though both eyes are almost swollen shut and your arms are exhausted from punching. You can’t expect not to put an effort into something and anticipate it all will be perfect. Nothing in this world comes easy; everything requires a little elbow grease.

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My daughter and I had a conversation about how people don’t want to take the time out of their own lives to work to keep relationships healthy. I mentioned to her friendships were stronger before social media became so much a part of everyone’s lives. Nowadays, people would rather text someone, than pick up the phone and actually have a conversation. We’d prefer to have friends on Facebook and have digital interactions instead of meeting for a cup of coffee or an afternoon tea. We would rather send a two-second message to a friend or family member to ask how they are doing, instead of taking time out of our day to see if they are okay, in person. We measure our likability by how many likes or comments we get from our posts on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook. Does it really matter how many “thumbs up” or “hearts” we get? It does, to so many people. True friendships are becoming extinct. Our ideals about relationships have become distorted and askew.

As I walk around the mall or eat out at a restaurant, I look at the others around us. Do you know what I see? I see the tops of everyone’s head, because they are not interacting with the individuals they are with, they have disappeared somewhere into the Cyber World in a little hand-held device they’re grasping for dear life. Maybe they’re playing some game, or having a chat with someone they’ve never met. They are taking selfies on Snap Chat, or just scrolling through Facebook, Instagram or Twitter, liking and sharing posts as they go. It is like the world will come to an end if they dare miss a post of a cat video or see what someone has eaten for lunch. If they would only look up, there’s someone whom they can interact with, right in front of them. Someone they can touch and have an intimate, meaningful conversation with. It is a despairing thing to have a sea full of people and all they see is the small speck of algae that is about a thousandth of an inch in diameter. The sea is full of life. All you need to is maneuver yourself out of the deep water and swim toward the surface, where the sparkle of life surrounds you.

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My family is just as bad at times. Sometimes I want to throw everyone’s phones as far as I can throw them. Here we are, all together, sitting in our living room and I look around, everyone, including our six-year old is on some sort of device. Our heads are down and everyone is silent. Why are we not having a conversation, playing a game, enjoying the outdoors or even watching a great movie together? Why do we search the web for social interaction satisfaction? I am just as guilty as anyone else, but I am going to do better and “power down” when I am home. More people need to “power down” and enjoy the actual company of a real individual, instead of virtual reality that is not tangible.

Social media can be a great asset for all of us. I am not completely dismissing the whole entity of social media and interactions on the world-wide web. It has created great opportunities for so many people. We are able to know what has happened across the world in a matter of seconds. I am able to see my cousins and watch their children and grand-babies grow up, even though we live so far away from each other. I don’t believe we need to rely solely on having digital ties to virtual individuals more than the actual individuals who are right in front of us and are able to touch. I think people have become seared and callused. We forget how to talk to people. The world has learned to say what they want, do whatever they care to do and offend whomever they choose. We don’t care about other people’s feelings or values. They say the pen is mightier than the sword. This can be a great thing, but it also can be very hurtful. Would we dare say some of the strong and aggressive words we have posted on the internet to someone face to face? Would we have an altercation or quarrelsome engagement with an individual who is standing inches away from us? I guess some of us would, but most of us would choose to use kinder words.

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We would be careful of what we say so we don’t cause a scene and make our self look foolish. When we hide behind our computer screens, we think we have the right to say what is on our minds and not care who we offend or scar. Cyber bullying is a new act of harassment none of us ever dreamed would become such a wide-spread problem. People have been intimidating and persecuting other people since the beginning of time, they did it face to face. When they wanted to browbeat someone, the other person was at least able to defend himself in the flesh. Seventy percent of students today report seeing bullying online. It has become so easy and now it is for the whole world to see. I think they feel empowered by bringing someone else down.

Individuals wonder why some of their friends have abandoned them or wonder why after ten or fifteen years, their marriage has failed. Face-to-face conversations is a thing of the past. People do not want to sit down and have an intimate talk about what is going on with an individual. They don’t want to hear about someone’s problems. They don’t even care to hear how their day went. What happened to actually caring about someone other than yourself? What has happened to our world? Will it ever be the same? I’m not sure, but I do know I’m going to do my part to fix the relationships in my life. I’m going to do my best to make sure the people I care about see my eyes as I look them in the face to speak to them. I am going to make sure I pay attention to my family and friends instead of having my head down and peering intently into my digital device. I intend to “power down” every chance I get. It is time to lift my head up and free my mind from the Cyber World and re-enter the real world.

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I hope you join me in my quest for digital freedom, and be aware of the people who are right in front of you. When you do lift your head up out of the cloud of cyber dust, you will realize what attributes the world has to offer. When you have a cup of coffee or afternoon tea with a long-lost friend and relish the conversation you will feel rejuvenated. It is great to meet new people from all over the world. It is also fantastic to keeps tabs on friends and family that you don’t get to see very often, but don’t forget to look up and give your undivided attention to those loved ones God granted you the privilege to see face to face everyday.

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Forgiveness…..It does the heart Good!

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Have you ever made a mistake? Have you ever did something and didn’t think about the consequences? Have you ever done something, and at the time, really didn’t think that you were doing anything wrong, but to someone else it was the end of the world? Have you ever been blamed for something and really it was just a misunderstanding? If you have, then don’t worry, you are human. We all have had one of these moments happen at some point in our life. That is what makes us HUMAN.  I can honestly say I have never “Walked on water”, “Turned water to Wine”, “made a blind man see”, or “calmed a stormy sea”. Since I have not done any of these spectacular events, I can confidently say, I will no doubt make mistakes in my life.

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I will be the first to say that I am not perfect. I have made mistakes in my life, but some of my mistakes were also misunderstandings. Through all those mistakes, there have been a few people who have never forgiven me, and may never will. I have also had those wonderful people that don’t look at my mistakes and have had a forgiving heart.

I am not perfect. I can say that, and be completely alright with it. I know that I am a work in progress. I also am a person that forgives easy. I don’t hold grudges. If I know that I make mistakes, how can I treat everyone around me different from how I want to be treated? How can I go around and hold a grudge against someone when I hate it with a passion, that I have a grudge held against me?  I know that I will have to live my ENTIRE life and know the possibility that my past will be brought up, but the Lord tells us to forgive and forget.  That is hard for humans to do.  People can change, but sometimes they are not given that chance to change.

Holding a grudge and hating someone is hard for me to do. Why do I want to waste my energy at staying angry?  I would rather forgive you instead of condemn you for what you have done.  I know I have hurt people I love with some things I have done in the past. I guess sometimes after the same thing happens over and over, it gets harder for a person to deal with emotionally.  Once a trust has been broken it is really hard for the human self to get over that hurdle to trust again.  I understand that. What I don’t understand is …. Why say that you want to move on and then bring up every little thing that has ever happened all over again, time and time again.

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I was talking to my daughter the other day.  She is going through a little rough spot.  Last night I told her that you have to understand how the other person feels.  You feel horrible because it happened to you, but I can guarantee that he feels much worse.  He feels anger, embarrassment, regret, shame.  He feels lower than dirt.  He feels that his heart is ripping out of his chest.  He feels like he is wandering in some dark and desolate valley and he is probably alright with it, because he feels that he deserves to be in a such a horrible place for what he had done.

I do realize that there comes a time in your life that you can no longer be in a toxic situation.  There are people who you can forgive for what they done, and even forget it ever happened but, you need to move on to other things in your life.  Only you can decide what you can live with and what makes you move on.  The most important lesson to learn is to find happiness and forgiveness.  Don’t fill your heart with hatred for another human being.  Try to forgive and grant those people that hurt you a second chance or a third chance…..or maybe even a fourth.  The Bible tells us to forgive 70 times 7.  I don’t think that He means after a 490 times we can no longer forgive.  I believe he is telling us that we don’t keep tally marks, we just forgive them.

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So if you have someone in your life that you have not forgiven and you have not buried that hatchet all the way, but that handle is still sticking out to grab at any moment, make a change today. Change the way your heart feels toward them, but don’t just forgive them, also forget what they have done and never bring it up.  You will feel so much better.  Forgiveness…..It does the heart good.

There are times – a little free verse poetry

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There are times when I think I see the sparkle in your eyes

But, it is just a flicker and then it is gone.

There are times I see your genuine smile and your face lights up the room.

But, then the moment disappears.

There are times when I feel that you truly hear me and the world opens up  

But, then that door slams shut.

There are times when I feel your touch brush up against me,

But, then I see the recoil of your hand, and I realize it was just an accident

There are times I hear your laughter

But, it was not what I said, that caused your jolly spirit 

Do you see me?

Do you hear me?

Don’t you want to touch me?

Do you even love me?

I guess I will never know.

I guess I can just hope.

I guess I can just wait.

I guess I can just have faith.

REST IN PEACE MY TERESA – a sweet little speckled chicken

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Have you ever felt that you were connected to another living creature so much that when their life departed this world, the emotional trauma was too intense to handle? You can’t breathe. Your heart feels like it has been ripped out. You become almost too weak to stand, and the tears…..so many tears. It feels like your eyes become a mighty rushing river that is flowing over an edge of a cliff.

I have only been attached emotionally to two animals my whole life. When I mean “attached emotionally”, I mean my world sort of ended for a while when they passed from this life into their little backyard heaven in the sky. Animals have such innocent souls, and you can’t help to be enraptured by their presence.

The first animal who was my whole world, was a little dog named Chiquita. She was half Chihuahua and half Dachshund. She was the cutest thing and at times a pain in the heinie, but she snuggled her way into our hearts. We moved from California to Missouri the summer after I graduated from high school, and she made the journey all the way with us. We never imagined a day without her. We let her out to potty one day, like we had done dozens of times, but this time she decided to get out in the road and was tragically hit by a car. When I went to let her in, she was nowhere to be found. I went looking for her and calling her name. I had his heavy feeling in my chest, and I knew something was wrong. I inched myself to the road and as I got closer I felt this dread seeping into my chest. As I first laid my eyes on the road, I realized my search had ended.   I found her lying there on the side of the road. I thought my heart was going to beat right out of my chest. I fell to my knees with anguish and I don’t even remember rushing to the other side. My world ended just for a moment.  That little innocent soul was lost, and all we had now was the memories of our sweet little Chiquita.

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You don’t realize how attached you get to animals. Her death hit us all pretty hard. We never really had another dog in the house after that, at least none that I became attached to. I love animals, but for some reason I never allowed my heart to open up to another living creature quite so deep, until a few years ago.

About four years ago we got four chickens. They were all Speckled Sussex, and they were beautiful. Over time, I lost three of them and one survived. One……Lone……Chicken. Since she was all alone, I let her out of the coop and let her roam. She would hang out with the dogs, and then sometimes reside in the pen with the goats. At times she was just lay on the front porch, like she owned the place. She was just free to go anywhere she wanted to.

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One day, a few years ago, our youngest son thought we needed to name her since she was the only chicken on the farm. I thought that was probably a good idea, and I let him pick out a name. He came up with Teresa, so Teresa the Chicken, she became.  She also became my best friend.

You may ask, how a chicken could be anyone’s best friend, but she was. Teresa was the sweetest chicken you would ever get to know. She would come up beside me and just talk to me.  She was very vocal.  I would talk to her and I swear she knew every word I was saying.  I could be myself with her.  She just wanted a little attention and a little bit of food to keep her happy.  I know what you are thinking. “How can anyone get attached to a chicken?”  Well I really don’t know.  She found a place in my heart that was open. Whenever I went outside, there she was.  We would have these long conversations when nobody else was around and she looked at me with those innocent black eyes and she would purr and squawk.  It was like she was giving me all the answers to life, but unfortunately I didn’t speak “chicken”.  If only I did.

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Sometimes I would pick her up and she would lay her little red, speckled head on my arm. Of course, she was not like your normal pet.  She didn’t play catch, do tricks, or want to come sleep in your lap.  I know it is not normal for people to have a chicken for a pet, but she was mine.  She was a part of the family.

A few weeks ago I got a few more chickens and I put them in our coop.  I still gave Teresa the freedom I know she wanted and didn’t make her stay in the coop with the other chickens.  We started having a predator problem, and I got worried for her safety.  I made sure that all the chickens were safe in the coop, but this night I scooped up Teresa and told her that I believe she would be safer in the coop, just in case the predator comes back.

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The next morning I went out to check on the chickens and I noticed that the door was broken in to. The door was clawed and chewed up and panic set in. I went around the pen and two chickens were in the caged part, but I didn’t see Teresa.  I ran back around to the front and opened the door and just as I feared, there she was, just lying there.  I was hysterical.  A torrential flow of tears ran down my face.  I could not breathe and I just stood there for a moment in complete anguish.  I composed myself enough to run inside to tell my husband that she was gone.  I cried most of the day, and I just didn’t feel like doing anything but sit in my recliner and pine for my little red speckled friend.

I knew that I loved Teresa, but until I saw her laying there, lifeless, I didn’t realize how much she meant to me.  Animals are so easy to love. They don’t judge you or get mad at you. They don’t expect much and they are really great listeners.  You can talk to them about anything and they just sit there and take it all in.  Very few people in this world will just sit there and let you ramble on about things that are not really important to anyone else, but you.  Very few people will also love you completely unconditionally, but animals love you no matter who you are or what you have done.

There will never be another chicken like Teresa.  She is one-of-a kind, but to keep her memory alive, I have decided to immortalize her.  My dream has always been to write a children’s book, so the main character in my books will be Teresa.  I hope to make the world fall in love with the little chicken that captured my heart.  Rest in peace my sweet, little speckled chicken.  I am sure your enchanting personality has already captivated everyone inside heaven’s gates.  I will see you on the other side some sweet, glorious day.

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AN OPEN LETTER TO MY 18 & 19 YEAR – Parenting Adult Children

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When I first found out I was expecting our first child, I thought I would be excited. I was thrilled, but my initial reaction when I first saw the pregnancy test that I was holding in my hand was positive, fear hit me like a brick. I was going to be responsible for a human being. My first thought was this is going to be a scary and rough journey. I had no idea what to expect.

When our little baby boy was born, that fear hit me all over again. What do I do if he cries? How will I know if he is hungry, or how will I know if he has had enough? How do I give this baby, who was not even 6 pounds, a bath? What if he stops breathing in the middle of the night? What if I screw his little life up? What if I am a horrible mother? I think the last question was my biggest fear. I didn’t want to be the one to mess his life up.

When I found that we were expecting a baby girl much sooner than we had planned, all those questions began flooding my mind again. Now I have two I needed to worry about. Two babies to take care of, and it was so overwhelming I was not sure if I would get it right.

As you both grew, it was a lot like having twins. I got asked so many times if you WERE twins. I sometimes said “Yes!” At times, it was much easier to say that, then to say “No, they are just ten months apart.”. Then I would get that look and instant judgment. Then I would say, “yes we waited and yes I know what causes that.” It was just in God’s plan for us to have two babies so close in age. I really don’t know what the reason is, but you both have most definitely been a blessing in our life.

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Life with babies so close in age was great, and I enjoyed each moment that I had with you both. You always had someone to play with. I never had to worry about one or the other, because you would protect each other and fight for each other. You have these “twin moments” where no body around you really knows what just happened but it is like you spoke to each other in your minds. You just laugh and go on.

I knew a day would come when you both would leave our home and it would most likely be close to the same time. Even though you both are still living in our home, I have discovered just recently, that having adult children is quite difficult. I thought rocking a baby at two in the morning because they are crying and I really had no reason why, was difficult, but parenting a 18 and 19-year-old is every bit as challenging. For 17 years, you have been like little chicks under my wings, and now your little wings have become a little bit stronger and ready to take flight. I guess you can call me a “mother hen”, always fussing over you and interfering a bit too much. I am sure you get tired of me asking, “where will you be going?”, “when will you be home?”, “who will you be with?”. I REALLY do need to know these things. Even though you are 18 and soon to be 19, I have literally spent your whole life knowing where you are and what you have been doing. It is completely impossible for me to stop cold turkey. IMPOSSIBLE! I worry. So when I ask where you are, and what you will be doing, or get that text that says “Hey I am just checking on you”, I am not trying to control your life, I HAVE to know, so I won’t worry MYSELF to DEATH.

I get it!!! You are legally an adult. I totally understand that technically you don’t have to ask permission to go somewhere or do anything, and for the most part, you guys are great about letting me know.  I want you to know I appreciate that. You will understand when you are parents of your own.

You will understand what I am going through as I watch you grow up and become adults and on your own. It is hard. I want to do things for you.  I know……i am a bit of a control freak…..I will totally admit that. I can’t help it, it is in my nature to make sure every little thing is in order. I am in a major transitional period right now. I can’t act the same way I use to.  I need to learn to treat you as adults, but I still have that longing to feel needed.

I miss watching you sit in little cardboard boxes and watch TV together. I miss watching you ride around in your little battery operated cars. Do you remember the John Deere Gator and the little Gray Beetle?  You both had one, but for some reason you could not ride separately. You both would hop in one and ride it till it died and then hop in the other one and ride it till it died. We should have just bought one instead of two. It makes me smile just to think about it, and tear up at the same time.  I miss you standing side by side gathering vegetable cans from the pantry and loading a dump truck to haul off to who knows where.  I yearn to watch you standing next to each other while singing in choir in elementary school. I hardly have a picture that I don’t have both of you in it. You two were just inseparable.

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I suppose some of that has not changed. You two are still each others best friend and I guarantee if something happened to the other one there would be a fight on our hands. I know that one would be lost without the other. I also know that I can’t keep you young forever. Everyone has to grow up.  It is what God intended. Of course, if I had my wish, I would turn back time and do it all over again.

I just want you to know that if you have ever felt like I ruined your life in any way, I am sorry. That was never my intention. I love you both so much, and all I have ever wanted was to be a good mother. You may believe this or not, but I am not perfect. I have made mistakes, and I am sure at times, have made you angry. There are times where I don’t even like myself.  I laughed at that, but that is so true. So if you ever read this, I just want you to know I love you.  I love you both.  It is not easy being a mom.  We get yelled at for no reason.  We get blamed for just about everything, especially when something is lost. We get taken advantage of….. a lot. Sometimes we feel that we do everything and everyone else just sits back and relaxes. There have been times when my favorite snack is in the pantry and go into the kitchen to eat it and someone says they want it also. Well you know, I always give it to you, and I go without.

Now, this may be a little “too much info”, but this momma has not purchased underwear for herself in about six or seven years. That is not a lie. I have two pairs of jeans, very few socks, and shoes that are practically falling apart. I seldom buy clothes for myself, and if I do it is dirt cheap.   To be honest, I really don’t care.  If I have to go without, so my kids can have more, then that is what I do. I always make sure you have what you need. It may not always be exactly what you want, but I have always tried. I have worked two or sometimes three side jobs, just so I can purchase school clothes or presents for Christmas. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I would never give myself more and you have less. I have no regrets.

So as you go off on different journeys in life, don’t forget your momma. I will always be here. I hope you don’t resent me for being an over-protective, ole’ mother hen.  I don’t think I would have changed even if you wanted me to.  I think you will understand when you have children of your own.  You will then understand why it hurts when you get that “eye roll” or that long sigh or grunt.  You will also know how I feel at this very moment; making a transition of being a parent of a child to a parent of an adult.

In the words of Robin Sharma, “Change is hard at first, messy in the middle, and gorgeous in the end.”  You will get through this better than me. You will be excited about this change, and to busy too notice.  I will be happy and proud of you, like I always have been.  Being a parent of an Adult child may be hard at first, but I know it will be gorgeous in the end.