Have you ever sat down, closed your eyes and listened to the sound of a cello? I am not sure what it is about the sound it portrays but, it is the only instrument that truly draws me in and I can feel it my soul. This morning as I was going to work, a song came on and at the beginning cellos start, and the sound is so smooth and it moved me so much it brought me to tears. It has been a rough day already, so it probably wouldn’t have taken much for the tears to fall anyway. Do you ever have those days where you just want to cry? Most of the time there really is not a reason. As I sat in my car and listened to the song, I never even heard the words, all I could hear was the music. The only word I can use to describe it was melancholy. So much sadness, sorrow, woe, desolation, dejection, gloom, depression. It was what I was feeling at that very moment. Maybe because I was feeling those same emotions, that is just what I heard in the music. I am sure the sound of cellos doesn’t cause people to crawl up into a ball and cry despondently at an instant, but for today it made me more sad.
I wish that sadness was not so much apart of me. It is really hard for me, because I feel that my place in the world has shifted. My oldest son and daughter don’t need me anymore. That is something I am having to deal with. The house is more empty. Even though our littlest is still with us, things just aren’t the same anymore. When my daughter is home, we still don’t get to see her because she is working. We can’t seem to get us all together to even eat one dinner a week. I know that is life, and things change. Things have to change, but I am not real great with change.
I would much rather laugh than cry to be honest. Have you ever laughed so hard you were not sure if you were laughing or crying? I have been told I have a distinct laugh. Actually it has been described as a cackle and they wonder if I am about to lay an egg. I can’t help it, it is my laugh. I enjoy laughing. I am pretty sure people in the next state can hear me when I laugh. I just have a loud giggle.
I remember back when my sister and I were kids and we were sitting in our kitchen with our mother and grandparents. My grandpa belched so loud and so long that he literally lost his breath. We always told him that he had enough gas to fuel a jet. We all thought we were going to die. We were laughing so hard we could not breathe and the tears were flowing. We would calm down and we would take a look at each other and the explosion of laughter would start all over again. Gosh, that seems like a million years ago. We had a lot of good times together. We had so many outbursts of laughter. Actually, we still do. You can’t take us anywhere.
So much time has passed since that moment. Now I have children of my own and we have had several laughing hysterical moments. Now days, the house is more quiet and I am learning to adjust to that. I just need someone to go do things with. I mean, me and my littlest guy go out together, but sometimes I want an adult to go grocery shopping with me or an adult to go to a movie with that is NOT a cartoon. Someone I can talk with and just be together. I know my husband is busy and I get that. He especially hates shopping or going out at all for that matter. That is okay, that is him. I just gotta get my big girl panties on and just deal with it.
I also need to learn to listen to the sound of a cello and not think of sadness but think of peace and comfort. It is all how we perceive things. Anything can look sad or sound sad if we want to distinguish it that way. Going back to what my therapist said, “Only you can choose to look at the situation with a positive attitude or a negative attitude.” This morning I was sad and a little broken-hearted. I chose to feel despondent.
People ask why I blog. I blog because this is how I work things out in my head. I write it down and figure it out in words. I am much better at the written word than the spoken word. If I put it in the written word where I can actually see it, then I feel that I am dealing with it better. I guess you may ask why I do it so publicly? I am not the only one in the world that has problems. I am pretty sure I am not the only one in the world who deals with anger and sadness. I know for darn sure I am not the only one who has ever gone through therapy for it. By writing this, someone out there in never-never land feels that they are also not alone and it is okay to feel those emotions. If my words can let someone know that I struggle to be happy and sane, but I go on with my life and do my best to make the most of every day, then that makes my musings worth it. Will I ever know? Maybe not, and I am okay with that. I will still continue to be an open book for the whole world to see. Some day I pray that I can say I am emotionally healed and EVERYDAY will be a GREAT day. Until then, I will have my Highs and Lows. I just have to remember that God is much greater than those highs and lows.